Behind the Music
Growing Pains of a collection of the first 5 singles I recorded. The original songs were written and recorded when I was 13-15, and I wanted to re-record them to give them an updated feel. The album includes both the original and re-recorded versions.
Luvhate was the first song I wrote and released at the age of 13. It features a blistering guitar riff, driving drums, a bass solo, along with angsty lyrics describing the fear of death and wasting life. I wrote it at a time where I was experiencing intense depression and spending nearly all of my time in bed, dreading existence but fearing death. The re-recorded version features a new take on the bass solo and chromatic twist to the main riff.
Stingray is a melancholy grunge story, written from the perspective of a man whose long-term partner has left him. In the song, the man reminisces about his relationship, expresses his grief and longing, and feeling of invisibility now that he is alone. In the re-recorded version, the song is sped up and features a new guitar line during the chunky riffs.
Lazy Eye is about the unintentional betrayal of a friend and the crushing guilt that follows. I wrote the lyrics while on a walk in New Orleans. It was mid December and extraordinarily dreary out, and I was feeling depressed as I had just recently had a close friendship end as a result of miscommunication. The re-recorded version features different chord voicings.
Post Mortem is the continuation of Stingray. In this part of the story, the man has descended into madness and despair after impulsively murdering his ex-partner in a failed attempt to reconcile. He looks back on his decisions and feels that he is now too far gone and cannot be repaired, as he lays in the pool, considering drowning himself. The re-recorded version is a full step below the original and sped up.
Mercury Twin describes feelings of self-sabotage and self-loathing. The name Mercury Twin was inspired by imagining a toxic version of myself, destroying my progress in life. The original demo of the song was 6 minutes long, but I shortened it to make it more palatable for an audience. The re-recorded version features a new guitar solo and a slight variation on the original guitar riff.
False Hearted is about fake friends and broken promises. It’s about feeling deceived and betrayed by people you trust. The overarching theme is feeling a need for vengeance after the realization that they feel no remorse for the hurt they’ve caused. The line “You’d empty me and I would let you” acknowledges my role in allowing this to happen, and this realization shapes the way I interact with people in hopes of protecting myself from further betrayal.
Claustrophobia was conceived after a spell of writer’s block, and was written during a period of discomfort in my own skin. It opens with the line “You can’t become a new person every day,” and goes on to express that “I am imprisoned in this vessel, I can’t flee” which is about the terrible feeling of being trapped in my own body.
Hostage features lyrics that describe feeling like a hostage to the cycle of neglect. The line “Is it karma or is it fate” expresses the feeling that I might have done something to deserve this. The chorus highlights that central thought. I left the lyrics vague enough that the listener can interpret them in many ways.
Devoid is inspired by the anime Attack on Titan. The plot lines of Attack on Titan are intricate and layered, and it’s one of my favorite shows. I was watching a particularly dark episode and felt inspired to write from the perspective of a scout from the Survey Corps watching their fellow soldiers suffer.
Eclipse is about struggling with past trauma, and how those feelings never truly go away. Things that have happened years ago still haunt me and affect my thoughts and choices, and it can be really frustrating. I was actually on a call with some friends when I started to feel anxious and began to write the lyrics for Eclipse.
Blunt Force is about a friend who ended the friendship without warning. They never explained their reasoning and I was left sad and confused. After years without resolution, I wrote a song describing the anger I hold against them for hurting me.
Eye for an Eye is about a toxic friend and the pain they caused. They were manipulative and acted like the victim whenever confronted. I was really angry when I wrote this song and it’s one of my most aggressive tracks. The music video was the most fun to film out of all of my videos.
Solemn Farewell is a suicide note. It describes my feelings of emptiness and the notion that I’m never really present. I was struggling with deep depression when I wrote it. It’s my first song to feature an instrumental breakdown.
Alternate Vision talks about my stress over how I’m perceived, and worries of not belonging. I was feeling really disconnected from the world around me when I wrote this song. It’s the first song in which I wrote the title before any of the music.
Vacant is about breaking up with my ex, and how empty I felt afterwards. It’s my only song without drums. I felt it was a fitting way to close out the EP, especially with the last line being “I’m over now.”